Cat's Out of the Bag 2009

Rex Gilroy is founder of the Australian Panther Research Centre, president of the Blue Mountains UFO Research Club, self-published author, long-time chronicler of yowie, panther and Hawkesbury River Monster sightings and a regular Hunter Valley visitor. And he's not too impressed with Premier Nathan Rees this week.
     "I think Nathan Rees is trying to grab some publicity on the back of my work," Rex said.
     "He's a politician. Politicians know next to nothing about scientific matters."
     Rex's back was up after media stories about a secret government report into how we should protect ourselves from giant marsupial cats, or panthers, apparently prowling suburban streets intent on claiming our children. The report came after the Premier last year confessed he thought the panther was more than just an urban myth.
     "There are too many people reporting sightings," he said in September.
     So the big prowling pussy might be real.
     Media stories this week said the secret government report (and after typing that, and before we go any further, can I just state this is not a belated April Fool's joke) found there had been more than 300 reported sightings of the cat in 10 years.
     "Children now allegedly cannot walk from the bus stop without an adult and feel the need to carry an umbrella (rain, hail or shine) to make them appear large," the media stories said the secret government report said (and again, before we go any further, I pledge I'm going to see an original copy of that secret government report before I die, or am claimed by a big prowling pussy while walking with my umbrella on a suburban street, or am clubbed to death by crazed koalas on a gum leaf rampage).
     The report is said to have recommended erecting warning signs in prolific big prowling pussy sighting areas, and that children would be taught about the dangers in schools, along with how to recognise the difference between a passionfruit oil slick and a dog poo scraping.
     Rex Gilroy self-titled Yowie Man and a funny bugger whose path I first crossed more than 20 years ago when he was searching for Egyptian hieroglyphics at Kariong thinks we've all gone a bit mad.
     "There's no need to stick up signs. We'll have children out there with shotguns before we know it," he said.
He's a bit peeved.
     "For many years I've fought to get my research on big marsupial cats recognised, and now these scientists with their secret report are stepping in and taking the credit for it," he said.
And Nathan Rees getting in on the act is not helping the cause.
     "He's dragging down serious scientific research telling people to keep their kids indoors and the rest of it. He's not helping, but he's a politician."
     He followed with a few unflattering remarks about pollies in general, which included a spray about federal politics, before concluding: "As I've always said, the best thing about Canberra is the road out, away from all the hot air in Parliament."
     Rex has been bush bashing in Singleton recently, looking for panthers and yowies and any other monsters likely to be lurking there. Six months ago he was down a gully on private property in a secret Singleton location with two other men.
     "We found fresh tracks, human-sized. Something was throwing small rocks at us. It was quite eerie."
Either a "tool-making, fire-making hominid with a homo erectus-type skull" aka a yowie as Rex believes, or a bored kid throwing rocks.
     Get the Premier on the line.
     "We found fresh tracks, human-sized. Something was throwing small rocks at us. It was quite eerie."